I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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