I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
