how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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