I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
