I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
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It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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