I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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