Can i not drive my cunt home
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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