new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
