Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
