I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
