In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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