Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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