My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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