How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
