Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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