He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
