I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
