we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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