Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
