Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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