i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
