Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
