just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
