If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
