I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm passing your future prison.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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