Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
