I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
