I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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