You're my little dorito
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
it's like heaven, but drunker
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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