I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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