I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
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Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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