Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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