One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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