having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
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His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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