I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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