guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
40s are totally the cure
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
