i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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