My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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