She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
