Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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