Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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