Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize