So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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