Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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