11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Randomize
