I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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