apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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