I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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