Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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