Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
