he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Randomize
