You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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