he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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