I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
