you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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