my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
