last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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